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by Frederick Hink on 09/26/11
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
BY JOHN CLEESE, British actor, writer, and tall person
The
French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the
pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised
their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security
levels may be raised
yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not
been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The
Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans
have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress
in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels:"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, ar
e all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The
Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia
, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll
be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.